OK, I realize advertising is ridiculous. I realize it makes shit seem awesome when it pretty much blows. I realize advertisers have a vested interest in blurring the line between “need” and “want.” I realize that it’s a necessary evil, and without commercials, I don’t get to watch my hours upon hours of Kardashians. I get all that. It’s their job, I suppose. But there is currently a commercial running about a million times a day for which I simply cannot stand. I’m posting it here, and I’m sure you’ve seen it and either cringed or punched something. But humor me and watch it again, then read my rewrite that immediately follows.
I’m a shrimp blogger, and I assure you there’s nothing sexual about it. I’ve traveled seven continents cramming nasty shellfish down my throat until I find one that doesn’t make me puke all over the young boy I’m attempting to proposition. The legendary Hercules Shrimp? I “blogged it,” then I ate it. There was nothing “shrimp” I left “unblogged.” But when word came in that Taco Bell had Pacific Shrimp tacos with six succulent shrimp marinated in a waterfall of spices, I had to ask, “are you fucking kidding me? You mean the same shit hole that came up with “Lava Sauce” has taken my life’s work and reduced it to a value menu item?” Then I laughed until it turned into violent sobbing and the waitress asked me to please put my shirt back on. To which I replied, “seriously?! Shrimp tacos?!” Another soul crushed by the Mexican-type food complex. The new Pacific Shrimp tacos, only from Taco Bell… because who the fuck else could come up with this shit?